My Thoughts

I remember the long, peaceful days and the beautiful late nights. I remember hearing her sweet voice in my ears. I remember staying up late just so we’d have a chance to talk on the phone, and then not being able to find the right words to say when we finally did. There was no need for words, though; the silence said it all. I spent every day and every night with her, and when the time would come for bed, we’d just stay up anyways because we didn’t want to have to say goodnight yet. I was with her when I was awake, and I was with her in my dreams.

Those nights are gone now. We don’t talk anymore. She knows how foolish we were, and how foolish we would be to continue, so she left. I know these things, too; I just don’t care. I never cared. All I wanted was her. How selfish am I, to want her to come back to me?

I miss her. I am not getting over her like I should be. I suppose that’s because I don’t want to get over her. I still feel so happy when I think of her and remember how she made me feel - how she still makes me feel. I still love her.

God, I’m a mess…

Here are the lyrics to a song from The Postal Service, called “Nothing Better”. I added the names, obviously. I know I haven’t actually written anything myself lately; I’ve been busy with school and just haven’t felt like it. But I’ll start again before long.

Mike:
Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That you’re deserting for better company
I can’t accept that it’s over…
And I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry
So just say how to make it right
And I swear I’ll do my best to comply
Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?

Ani:
I feel i must interject here…
You’re getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I’ve made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I’ve prepared a lecture on why I have to leave
So please back away and let me go

Mike:
I can’t my darling I love you so…
But oh, oh…
Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?

Ani:
Don’t you feed me lies about some idealistic future
Your heart won’t heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

Mike:
I know that I have made mistakes and I swear
I’ll never wrong you again

Ani:
You’ve got allure I can’t deny,
But you’ve had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye

These are some excerpts from the song “Shimmer” by Fuel that I changed a bit and put together into a poem of sorts. I only spent like 5 seconds though…anyways, I don’t own any piece of the song in any way.

She calls me from the cold
Just when I was low, feeling short of stable
And all that she intends
And all she keeps inside, guess I ignored the label

She says she’s ashamed
And can she take me for awhile
And can I be a friend?

We’ll forget the past
But maybe I’m not able
And I break at the bend

We’re here and now, but will we ever be again
‘Cause I have found
All that shimmered in my world was sure to fade
Away again

She dreams a champagne dream
Strawberry surprise, pink linen on white paper
Lavender and cream
Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her

I say that love is either lost or it is found, and I’m somewhere in between
I never really know
A lost cause from a savior
‘Til I break at the bend

We’re here and now, but will we ever be again
‘Cause I have found
All that shimmered in my world was sure to fade
Away again

It’s too far away for me to hold
It’s too far away…
It’s too far away for me to hold
It’s too far away…
Guess I’ll let it go

What do you do when you know you’ve done something wrong, and it’s hurting someone you care about? It’s not like a simple “sorry” is going to fix months of mistakes, months of reckless disregard for others. Are there some mistakes that can’t be fixed? Even forgiveness doesn’t take away the sting of knowing how badly you messed up, the sharp pain of seeing the consequences of your actions. Shallow words don’t heal deep wounds.

I know it wasn’t all my fault, but I can’t help but feel like I should have acted more responsibly. It’s very mature of her to acknowledge some of the blame, though. But really, does it matter who’s fault it was? We messed up. I messed up.

I think things would be better if I never talked to her again, rather than leaving her sad like this. I just have trouble knowing that I won’t be able to make sure she’s doing well and that everything’s going okay. It’s ironic that I’m one of the reasons that it isn’t okay. And that hurts.

But what hurts the most is knowing that if I had to do it all over again, I don’t know if I’d do it any differently…

Hello again, pretty little lady

It’s sure been a while

No wonder; the old man’s knocking

His chill breath can cool our Hearts

But that’s not a problem

We just need to Warm Up, that’s all

Don’t cry

Or rather, don’t let me cry

And lay in Leander’s arms for just a bit longer

Despite all my whining, I’m really lucky.

These are the lyrics to the Death Cab For Cutie song “Someday You Will Be Loved”. I changed a word but other than that I don’t own this song in any way, shape, or form.

Dear Mike:

I once knew a boy
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

You’ll be loved you’ll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

Love, _________

I thought I was actually moving on from you, but I’m worse than ever. I’m regressing, and it hurts so badly. It hurts to be lonely again,  it hurts to lose any confidence I might have gained, and above all, it hurts to be without you. But you’re happy, and that means it’s time for me to get the fuck up and get over you. It’s hard - I know that - but I want nothing more than for you to be happy. So no more excuses.

No matter how bad it hurts me, I need to start getting over you.

Tired eyes that still watch you

Broken smiles don’t heal fast

Ever craving decayed gold

 Trapped in dreams of forgone love

Sorrow smothers like snow sheets

Open hearts can always bleed

Thirst unwetted for passion

Absolutely shattering my world

Begging Sirens for their songs

I think I can say for sure that I’m finally starting to get over you. I’m always gonna love you, but I think I’m starting to move on.