My Thoughts

These are the lyrics to the Death Cab For Cutie song “Someday You Will Be Loved”. I changed a word but other than that I don’t own this song in any way, shape, or form.

Dear Mike:

I once knew a boy
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

You’ll be loved you’ll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

Love, _________

I thought I was actually moving on from you, but I’m worse than ever. I’m regressing, and it hurts so badly. It hurts to be lonely again,  it hurts to lose any confidence I might have gained, and above all, it hurts to be without you. But you’re happy, and that means it’s time for me to get the fuck up and get over you. It’s hard - I know that - but I want nothing more than for you to be happy. So no more excuses.

No matter how bad it hurts me, I need to start getting over you.

Tired eyes that still watch you

Broken smiles don’t heal fast

Ever craving decayed gold

 Trapped in dreams of forgone love

Sorrow smothers like snow sheets

Open hearts can always bleed

Thirst unwetted for passion

Absolutely shattering my world

Begging Sirens for their songs

I think I can say for sure that I’m finally starting to get over you. I’m always gonna love you, but I think I’m starting to move on.

The world ends with you. But the world also begins with you. You control what you do, the choices you make, and everything else. Sure, there are some things that you can’t control for yourself, but in the grand scheme of things, those are insignificant. You are happy or sad because you choose to be. If bad things happen, you just have to make your own good things happen. You are the king of your own world. You connect with other people to expand it, or you don’t if you prefer it to be smaller; do whatever makes you happy. Because in the end, is there anything really important than happiness?

I’ve always been told that “life is what you make of it”, but I never thought much about it. I haven’t really seen just how true that is until tonight. If I want to spend a night in, then I will, and if I want to go meet people, then I’m going to do that. I’ve just kicked back and floated through life for too long. It’s finally time for some action. Because the world begins with me, and I don’t want to forget that again.

I sit on my bed and stare numbly at my ipod. I smile bitterly as I listen to songs that remind me of her and of others, too. I sigh, and then think about how much that lifeless sigh summarizes everything about me. I feel like I’ve lost my passion, like I’ve lost my sense of joy. Nothing seems to make me happy anymore. I’m at college and I should be having the time of my life, but instead I feel like I’m just going through the motions; just going to class and nothing else. I don’t do much for fun, and the only reason I look forward to the weekend is just because I don’t have to go to class anymore - I don’t actually do anything. Nothing excites me anymore. I’m just an extra in the black-and-white film that has become my unremarkable life.

I wonder if this is how I will always feel. Logic tells me that it will pass as the waves from the wake of her love finally pass out of sight, but it feels like nothing is ever going to change. And it’s simply unbearable. Everyday, it’s the same old shit, and everyday my plastic smile grows a bit harder to wear. I just waste the days away - which is exactly what used to make me happy, but my happiness left with her.

It’s so weird to think that I was happier than ever just a few months ago. Everything changes so quickly once you let your guard down. I need someone to restore my joy again…but who? Nothing ever changes. I wish I had someone who could excite me again, even if it can’t be her. I just wish I had someone to make me happy.

But I guess it’s just another night alone…

What is it, to be in love? What does it feel like? How do you know when you are in love? And how do you distinguish the real thing from mere fool’s gold? I have no idea how to answer any of these questions. I used to love a girl - I still do - but I wonder if that feeling encompasses everything that we have come to understand as “love”. Maybe all I ever had was a shadow of it. Maybe all I ever had was a broken fragment, and I pounced on it like a desperate beggar. Am I just a wanderer, misguided by mirages too long influenced by desire? Or do I actually know what I’m doing and how I feel? I can’t tell. I know how I think I feel, and I know I didn’t just force myself into it, but maybe it happened too fast; maybe it was just a sloppy interpretation of the true experience. I’m lost in my own thoughts, like always. And I just don’t know.

I just don’t know…