Jun 25 2009
Affection
I hear her call my name again, and I shiver with sheer ecstasy at the adoration in her voice. Her affection is my sustenance, driving me and invigorating me with the joy I have so long desired. But it is a facade, a cheap imitation that I substitute for true love. And yet, I fear I judge the situation to harshly, and am overcritical of myself. For her love is like my forbidden fruit; but I know this to be true, and do not pursue it. Finally, I reply and call her name, Ani, the same affectionate care in my voice to mirror her own.
I’m not magnifying this simple pleasure into something it can never be, I’m just reflecting at how happy she makes me. She is wonderful, and her words make me experience joy like first glimpsing Heaven itself. But there is a persistent shadow that looms over my heart, darkening it from the corner of my mind. My vision of Heaven blurs and fades as I come to the realization that has been ignored in my mind for all of this time: Holly doesn’t seem to make me this happy. Not all the time, at least. “Why is that?”, I ask myself, even though I already know the answer to this desperate question. This affection is selfless and seeks to make both of us happy…Holly’s love is not like that, I hear my mind answer instantaneously. I wish Holly treated me more like she does. I really wish that she would treat me like Ani does.
