My Thoughts

I finally think I have you all figured out, and then nights like these remind me why I like you so much.

I hear her call my name again, and I shiver with sheer ecstasy at the adoration in her voice. Her affection is my sustenance, driving me and invigorating me with the joy I have so long desired. But it is a facade, a cheap imitation that I substitute for true love. And yet, I fear I judge the situation to harshly, and am overcritical of myself. For her love is like my forbidden fruit; but I know this to be true, and do not pursue it. Finally, I reply and call her name, Ani, the same affectionate care in my voice to mirror her own.

I’m not magnifying this simple pleasure into something it can never be, I’m just reflecting at how happy she makes me. She is wonderful, and her words make me experience joy like first glimpsing Heaven itself. But there is a persistent shadow that looms over my heart, darkening it from the corner of my mind. My vision of Heaven blurs and fades as I come to the realization that has been ignored in my mind for all of this time: Holly doesn’t seem to make me this happy. Not all the time, at least. “Why is that?”, I ask myself, even though I already know the answer to this desperate question. This affection is selfless and seeks to make both of us happy…Holly’s love is not like that, I hear my mind answer instantaneously. I wish Holly treated me more like she does. I really wish that she would treat me like Ani does.

Again, this is not quality writing, but it needs to be said.

You. It’s always about you. You only care about how unhappy you are, how miserable your life is, and how you are all alone. Open your eyes. You aren’t the only lonely one. I’m reaching out my hand for you, so don’t try and pretend that everyone has forgotten you. I’m still here, and I always will be. So please don’t think solely about yourself, because I need you as much as you need me.

The house creaks as the wind howls outside. I am like the house. The wind rips and tears me, breaking me at my core; at first, it does no harm, and yet the older I get and the more it blows, the more I begin to show signs of pain. I stand strong, but with no one to shield me from the merciless gale of loneliness, I grow weak and frightened. The wind erodes my once-impregnable defenses and I succumb to the cold gusts, as I always do. For far too long have I tried to ignore this aching solitude, and for far too long have I mistaken loneliness for simple boredom. I can not withstand this windstorm much longer. I was not built to survive such horrendous conditions. I need someone to help me banish this wind of forsaken isolation.

But the house still creaks, and I wonder how much more suffering it can take…

As the Summer sun rises, a warm wind brushes against my face as I walk alongside her, as I always do. I see her striding on blindly into what is sure to be certain disaster. Too long has she traveled this path, and too long have I encouraged her to do so based on assumptions and guesses. I realize with grim severity that I have been egging her on all along because I thought she would be happy this way, but now I see that although I thought I was motivating her to find a beautiful sanctuary, I have instead been pushing her right off a cliff. And she doesn’t see it.

“Hang on, Holly”, I want to whisper. “Don’t go that way. You would be safer here with me.” But I remain silent and just continue walking alongside her. I don’t know what I should do, and it frustrates me. Should I tell her that the place she dreams of is just a fraudulent aspiration? Should I deliver the final blow that cripples her hope, and risk losing multiple people in the process? I banish such dark thoughts from my head, and yet they still linger like ominous spider webs, even though there is no spider to be seen. I know that she needs to know; she will find out eventually that their is only more danger and sadness waiting for her at the end of the path, so I need to tell her now to save her as much as I can. But my toungue is dry and I am reluctant to chance speaking at all. I have been sworn to secrecy. It is not my place to talk, and not my life to intervene in. And yet, I can’t just stay silent and watch her stumble on unaware towards another fall. But how can I save her? The cliff doesn’t like hurting people, but it will know that I have told and be hurt and misunderstood. I simply want to help everyone, but I can’t figure out what to do.

I want to help; I want to save you Holly, but the circumstances are such that my hands may be tied. But please be assured that I am always here for you, and whatever happens, I will be there to help you pick up the pieces. I will do all I can to save you, darling, but brace yourself, just in case. Until then, walk closer to me…

I haven’t written anything in a while. I don’t know why; I’ve just been busy. I’m happy with life right now. I love being home, and everything is going a lot better for me. Unfortunately, it seems as though I only write well (or write at all, for that matter), when things aren’t going well for me. But happiness is such pure, simple bliss, that I don’t feel like I need to write to understand my thoughts. It’s nice to feel this way, even if I do know that something is missing. I should try and write more when I’m happy, too. This obviously isn’t an attempt at real writing; I’m just explaining why I haven’t been writing lately. I’ll write something in the next couple of days, though…maybe a short story.

Until then,

Mike

The boy walks slowly through the forest, inhaling the invigorating aroma of fresh pine deeply through his nostrils and releasing it with a reluctant sigh. He feels his heart pulsing in his chest as he lets his mind wander once again back to that girl, the girl he is always wanting but can never have. He knows he his happy, and yet when he reflects back on this girl, his emotions become chaotic, like a foreign language that he only understands bits and pieces of; he has an idea of what the words mean, but he still doesn’t know why they say what they do because he does not interpret them in their full context. And so his thoughts one again linger in that empty place, even though he knows that he has nothing more to gain from the situation because the point is already moot.

The boy considers thinking of her to be a guilty pleasure, as if he was almost forbidden to do so for fear of complecating matters for her. After all, he wants her to be happy, and he knows that she will be happier with that other boy. He will let her go, of course, because her happiness truly is his primary concern, but he still thinks of her as if she feels the same way about him. This is not a happy realization for him, obviously, but it is not necessarily a sad one either. It is simply a thought manifesting itself through his brain, heart, and soul, piercing everything he is, consuming his desires in a selfless ambition for her.

The boy travels deeper into the forest and he solemnly notices that he has never gone this far before. He ignores this fact, however, and goes deeper still; he is far to pensive to return now. He wonders bitterly to himself why he keeps on going; after all, he has come to his resoution about the girl already, what else does he need to think about? He should go back home and accept that she is just a friend, banish thoughts of her falling for him and move on. But he keeps walking and keeps thinking, and by the time he is ready to return, he finds that he is in too deep and cannot find his way out. He feels the oncoming sense of familiar loneliness again, knows that he is forever doomed to solitude, and sits down at the edge of a lake in frustrated defeat. However, as he looks for his reflection, he sees not only himself, but his friends surrounding him, too. He figures it must be an illusion, and yet it restores his cheer and miraculously the forest dissolves around him before his very eyes. He does not question this; instead, he turns his head and whispers a thank you to his friends, and then returns home.

This isn’t good writing; this is just me going on a rant. Sorry about wasting a post with it, but I wanted a chance to express everything I keep thinking about. I’ll probably delete this later.

I lie on my bed and listen to music quietly. I feel so sad and hurt again. It feels so painfully familiar; I guess I’ve become accustomed to this neglect. Every time I recover and tell myself that “next time it will go better”, that I won’t get kicked to the curb again, and every time I am wrong and doom myself for more suffering. I’m sick of feeling alone and unloved. Why is it that I always end up so God damn lonely, crushed by the weight of my own unhappiness? I keep trying, like a glutton for punishment, as if it’s going to somehow miraculously work out next time and I will be able to forget this painful isolation.

Am I being unreasonable? I don’t think so. I think I am a genuinely good person; I am caring and kind, moderately intelligent, and I can be funny sometimes. But if that’s the case, then why can’t I ever find someone that appreciates me for it and treats me like I want to treat her? Is it that hard to find a sliver of joy to hold onto, or am I just meant to be alone? Maybe I’m just doing something wrong, and I’m the only one who hasn’t figured it out yet, or maybe it’s something I can’t control and I’m just an unattractive person. Whatever the cause, it has fucked me over more times than I want to count, and I’m tired of it.

To give up seems so tempting: accepting my unhapiness and learning to deal with it would certainly take a load off of my mind, if nothing else, and it might spare me from future pain. But I can’t give up here, because even though I am always ignored, I still want to one day know what it feels like to be loved. I might never experience it and only end up fucking things up even worse if I keep trying, but that’s what I’m going to do.

And as for you, “Holly”, I want you to be happy. If being with another guy can bring a smile to your face, then please leave me and go running to him. But I want to be happy, too, for once. I always put everyone else’s happiness before my own, and I like doing so, but it has left me personally very sad. I suppose I need to look out for myself more often. I thought you liked me, just like I like you…but it looks like I was wrong again. Oh well, I’ll get over you eventually, and then I can just wait until I get cast aside for the next time by the next girl. I’m used to it anyways.

Why am I so used to it?