My Thoughts

“A pain stabbed my heart as it did every time I saw a girl I loved who was going the opposite direction in this too-big world” - Jack Kerouac

Is it too much to ask to want to be fucking happy?

I am confused:

I hope, I wish, I pray

But the closer I come

The further you stray

And although my mind is always on you

You leave me wondering what to do

I am lost:

You seem to feel the same way

But if you care like I care

Then why do you push me away?

Am I too persistent

Or are you just too distant?

I am alone:

You always wanted to lean on me

And I was always there for you

But now I know how much you mean to me

And even though you’re in my thoughts

You just watch while my heart rots

  What is this feeling? It feels familiar, and yet so distant at the same time. How can that be so? I suppose I derive this sense of familiarity from the experiences of others, from movies and books, and the lives of friends, since I have never truly felt it myself. I have never really been in love. Of course, I have had crushes and similar things, but none of those has ever come close to constituting love in its entirety. But is this just another crush? It feels like something more, something much more. Perhaps it is because I have matured, and am now witnessing more serious relationships around me than the typical high school flings I have grown accustomed to. Or perhaps it is because this feeling is really more serious in nature than those childish yearnings I have so long nurtured.

Is it love? No, I don’t think so…it still feels to abrupt and reckless to be christened as that word I have often heard, often seen, but never felt. And yet, that does not make this feeling trivial or devoid of meaning; in fact, it seems to suggests the opposite. Even the greatest redwood was once a small seed, and the most glorious eagle was once a tiny egg; maybe that kind of growth can apply to this situation, as well. These feelings that I have might be the start of something far more significant: seeds that can grow, in their own right, to become something greater - love. As with all plants, this onehas needs that need to be tended to, and in this instance they can be catered to by effort, time, and care.

And yet, on the other hand, maybe it is just another crush, and I am just trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. I have no good reason to think it any different, except for the fact that it simply feels more serious. But despite this seemingly unfounded hope, I really believe that it can be something beyond another juvenille desire - a beautiful dawn, on the shores of love.

My name is Michael Dietz. I am eighteen years old, and have more thoughts in my head than I can ever express in this blog. However, I will nonetheless be using this blog as a free-form medium for expressing those thoughts. I make no promises that my writing will be accurate, creative, or even productive in any way; I simply want to put my ideas and thoughts down in a more tangible, organized form. So if you stumble upon my page, I don’t know whether it will prove to be insightful or enlightening to you, because it was established with the sole intent of giving myself a place to try to better understand my thoughts, but I hope you enjoy it.

Best wishes,

Mike